The RAVYN Blog

Everything.

I want to start all over, do it right. Or at least, start over somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows my name and no one knows who I am.

I actually miss that about New York: the ability to become invisible. I was lost in a sea of people who didn’t know anything about me.

New York was full of opportunities. Things to do, places to go, people to meet. You were different. You were alike. You met people. You learned. And if you screwed up, you could always start over.

And if you didn’t screw up and you knew it, you could become a voice.

Ever since moving back to this tiny island, I lost that voice. Somehow, I slipped into a tunnel of depression and suddenly went quiet. I didn’t say anything. Maybe it was fear—the fear that everyone knew me and it would be easy for them to ‘kick me out’ (maybe they could, maybe they couldn’t).

On this tiny island, everyone knew my name. It was hard to have a voice.

If I was too loud, then someone who knew me would talk about me. It would ruin my reputation and my family, who worked so hard to get where they are now.

But … maybe I needed to be that voice.

Someone has to speak, right?

In New York, that person was almost always me. I was quiet—most of the time. But I was always ‘the voice’. Now, I’m trying to figure out exactly when I let people silence me.

Maybe it was something in New York’s air. I spoke out on my blog, in my Facebook posts, in the classrooms, for the friends I knew—and the ones I didn’t.

I questioned authority. I challenged the norm. I was fearless.

But then I came to this tiny island. I was upset, boxed in, and angry. I think, for the most part, I was angry at God for making me come back to this tiny island, and because of that, I gave up my voice. But He told me that I had to come back here to be bold, to be loud. To be the voice.

He said, “You have so much to say, so many ways to inspire, but you must start here. You must start at your home. They would despise you, but at least you have a voice, and I’ll take you to places, to people who want to hear you speak.”

Yet when I came back to this tiny island, I lost that voice…

For a very long time, I was quiet. I refused to say anything. I refused to speak.

What happened to that girl who defied authority, who challenged the norms, who spoke out for the friends she knew and the friends she didn’t? What happened to the girl who was willing to stand up for what she believed in?

The girl who ALWAYS spoke when she was required to speak?

Who silenced her?

Perhaps it was me.

Maybe I silenced myself because I was afraid of what people would say, but then I remembered…

God didn’t give me a spirit of fear. He taught me this countless times, but He also reminded me that He was once in my shoes.

He came to Earth, went to His own people, and His own received Him not.

“What good can come out of Nazareth?” they said, but He didn’t let them silence Him.

He became THE VOICE in His own hometown. They rejected Him. He became the voice of the people, and while it led to a horrendous death, after three days, He rose again. He was the voice.

I figured this wouldn’t be an easy road, yet still, I remained silent.

I think I’ve been silent for too long.

I think I let people walk all over me, stifle me, and tell me what to do and how to live my life.

I think I allowed people to lead me astray, and because of that, I ended up here.

So here I am, writing with tears in my eyes, telling you I want to quit.

I want to quit being silent.

And walked all over…

And told how to live or what to do…

Because…

I was never that girl to begin with.

I’m writing this because after an incident, I asked for help, and that help led me astray. It nearly jeopardized my future. I told the truth, but for telling the truth, I was told I couldn’t be helped and that I was on my own.

It was hard and painful. It was all because I let people dictate the path I should walk. I refused to speak. I remained silent.

Instead of being a voice, instead of saying no, I let someone walk all over me. And then, when the burden got too heavy, I let the truth flow out

Perhaps it was my fault. It was my fault for not being the voice I was supposed to be. For not speaking for those who needed it the most. For letting someone else take control when I should’ve handled it.

But then God whispers in my ear. How wonderful it must be that even when everyone else has given up on me and would leave me on my own, He is still here with me.

And He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

His departing words were “Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

He tells me not to be afraid. That wherever I go, He will be there, as long as I remain in Him.

It’s hard to hear those words. It’s even harder to trust, but He is with me. What can mere mortals do to me (Psalms 118:6 NIV)?

They may spread my name far and wide, they may speak ill of me. They may desert me, but it is always better to find my strength in God, than to trust humans. Humans fail, but God’s word is everlasting.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in humans.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes.

Psalms 118:8-9

Being the voice is hard; I won’t deny that being the voice will bring travesty, but if God is with me, then who can be against me?

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:31-39