The RAVYN Blog

Question: What do you believe about dating?

In this secular world, when it comes to dating, it’s easy to describe it as ‘ungodly’. Perhaps because the world usually frames dating around sex.

I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade, but if the way we date now is twisted, then so will our future marriages.

There was one night I was scrolling through TikTok (it’s always TikTok 🤦🏿‍♀️) when a woman said, “Marriage should take place within six months of courting” (forgive me, I’m paraphrasing here). She recounted her experience with how many women thought it strange that a couple could get married within six months.

Most of us delay marriage because we want to be sure our partner is the right fit for us. As women, we tend to put off marriage because we’re waiting on the man to propose. However, scientifically and socially, it’s been proven that men know who they want to marry within six months of getting to know that woman^[a].

The TikToker claimed, “The reason why so many women are dating for so long is because they’re already sexually active.”

And you know what … her statement is true. And most women don’t want to accept it. 

No Wedding, No Bedding

What’s the purpose of marriage if women are already wives without the ring?

You might think that the ‘wife’ perspective speaks solely to sexual activity outside of the marriage, but it’s much more than that. It’s availability, support, and obligation without commitment or promise.

Imagine becoming exclusive to one man, giving him all your time, energy, and resources. What desire does he have left to marry us? At this point, marriage easily becomes the carrot he can dangle in front of us as we hope for years that he’ll one day get on his knees.

Most men admit to taking years to decide whether a woman is worth marrying, not because he doesn’t see her value, but because he doesn’t want to commit too quickly when another better option might be out there.

It’s easy for a man to hold on to one woman who’s meeting all his needs, all while waiting to see if another better opportunity might come by.

I thought about this for some time: what’s the purpose of dating? For Christians, I suppose the ‘easy’ answer would be ‘to get married’. However, as daughters of the Most High, perhaps we shouldn’t even be dating at all.

At least, not in this modern context.

The Value of Marriage to God

The Bible tells of a Moabite woman who followed her mother-in-law to a new home, only to find herself on the threshing floor of a well-known man.

Some people view this story as a romantic ‘love at first sight’ story. Others believe that it’s a telltale sign of an oppressive regime that this woman was forced to adhere to. However, the Bible makes it clear that this is a love story of redemption.

For Ruth, she could’ve gone back to Moab to find a husband. She could’ve pursued a traditional life; her mother-in-law was encouraging her to do this, and her sister-in-law had already made that choice. What makes her different is that she created a life of her own outside of a man.

The Bible never says she sought a husband. In fact, the Bible says her character, attitude, and work ethic attracted Boaz’s attention. As romantic as that part may seem, it wasn’t all roses and cherries.

God taught me that marriage is founded on the value of relationship and companionship. It’s a unique friendship built on trust, strength, hopes, ambitions, and goals. It’s not about ‘compatibility’, but rather compromise, surrender, and sacrifice.

It’s not easy; it was never meant to be easy. It was meant to last.

Compatibility is something that’s built over time. Before marriage, two people get to know each other. They study each other’s habits, how they handle situations, when they show up in times of need, and what they hope for, dream of, and want to achieve.

It’s a time to prepare yourself to support a lifetime partnership, not to become a lifetime partner in a temporary setup.

The University of Kansas found that it took about fifty hours (or two days) for people to become casual friends, and nearly four to five days for that friendship to strengthen^[b].

Within less than a month, a strong bond between two people can form. This speed shows that it doesn’t take us long to decide whether we can trust, love, and care for someone. 

The problem with modern-day relationships is that they aren’t founded on genuine friendship and bonds, but on infatuation and romantic interest. Most women are too preoccupied with playing the role of a demonstrable wife: a woman who can cook, clean, romance, and cheer for a man. 

However, very few women desire to develop themselves personally. They cannot offer sound advice, give intuitive guidance, nurture, or showcase meekness and gentleness. They focus more on auditioning for the role of wife than on becoming a daughter of God.

Ruth’s entire storyline depended solely on the friendship and relationship she had with her mother-in-law. She was dependable, caring, and humble. When she met Boaz, she remained the same, and her friendship with him was rooted in her character.

So, then what should godly dating look like?

Courtship God’s Way

Should we strive for exclusive relationships, harboring men to ourselves like prizes to be won? If they’re not our husbands, then the answer, my friend, is no.

A marriage that lasts for a lifetime is a marriage based on a friendship that became intimate. And marriage should signify the beginning and blossoming of a sexual adventure that is purely exclusive to two people whose bond had begun in that friendship.

The Scripture says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing, but a wife, according to Proverbs, isn’t a woman who cooks, cleans, and bears children. She isn’t there for the sole purpose of satisfying a man’s sexual desires, nor is she there for the sole reason of creating more mini humans.

A wife is a man’s partner, friend, guide, helpmate, prayer partner, accountability partner, companion, adviser, nurturer, person to bounce ideas off of, business partner, and a lifetime emulation of the bond we have with Christ. In fact, a woman should already have all these traits in her day-to-day life.

These traits are not exclusive to one man because she is always a friend, always an adviser, a helper, a guide. A woman with these traits demonstrates themselves to be a daughter of God because she upholds these characteristics in a manner that speaks to her authenticity. 

When she courts a man, she is not concerned with cooking or cleaning for him. These things will come in marriage as part of duty. She’s not concerned with satisfying his desires or trying to play a role.

When she courts a man, she isn’t looking for husband material. Her purpose is to form a bond with someone, like she would with anyone else. There is no exclusivity. There is just growing together in God as God leads. 

Signed,

Bibliography

[a] Klein, Nadav, and Ed O’Brien. “People Use Less Information Than They Think to Make Up Their Minds.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, vol. 115, no. 52. PNAS, https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1805327115.

[b] Hall, Jeffrey A. “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol. 36, no. 4, 2019. SAGE Journals, https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225.